fight

oh hell no! I was just lied to! the government man the are stealing my freedom.....they have so much power and i refuse to play into it....FIGHT MOTHERFUCKER FIGHT, punk rock style......know your shit but don't get bogged down by long arguments, don't forget to FIGHT MOTHERFUCKER FIGHT>..........

white stripes

can you remain a delicate, innocent flower....how can you make sure you stay who you are when you've been placed in a completely foreign environment with everyone's dirty impure hands grabbing at you?

AGONY lyric

we are created and defined by the conflicts we endure
so throw your verbal punches and make me mature

I'll survive this agony and only be better
what are you waiting for, take me higher!

climbing out of a hole and finishing with a thought experiment on the strength of your individual

going along with the idea that i shoudl never act on or desire the approval or attention of another. I have a nasty habit of comparing my life with other people's and competing with them to live a better, happier life. There is somethign seriously wrong with this. I need to love being single and work on being powerful and happy with who i am and what i have. I need to know that I am in control of everything i do. I am the only judge of my life in the end. It doesn't matter what Maggie does. I won't win a prize and the stuff i do "win" is sick and wrong and if i was a decent person wouldn't want to win. It is like when i look at her i see someone saying "I have all the answers, I am having a blast, and I don't like you, you are missing the point of life, you are a lame-embarrassing child, I am disgusted with the person i was when i liked you." Why do i see this though? I don't have to, and much of it is wrong. Part of the problem is that i still value her opinion of me so much. I also seemed to have convinced myself that she was some sort of goddess that could do no wrong and by being rejected by her i had not just been unfit for her and not a good match, but i was unfit in general - inferior in a major way. I have to see myself as someone who was at the time and is still recovering from a mindset that was so desperate for attention and the approval of others that i had acted foolishly and changed my reality and began to desire exclusively very wrong things. I wanted to own and control her and the approval i got from her. I should be that way with myself thoguh. I will always have a feeling of acceptance and approval becuase i know myself and I know what makes me happy." It is all so foolish though because i am just a human animal - I replaced the desire for secuirty and belonging and associated it with her. Now i need to be able to find that within myself somehow. I took my competition and will to power and tried to own her and have her feelings. What ever she does though makes no difference to me whatsoever. Why do i care at all what others think of me......EVER. I should not desire to be famous for instance. I should not desire to be someone's number 1. There one and only. These are common, but misguided desires. Also I should enjoy and cherish my freedom, but also realize that if she or anyone rejects me, it is there loss becuase i am a caring and open and honest person and friend, and it isn't a big deal becuase their opinino means nothing to me NOTHING....what is more freeing than that - being hurt about Maggie is silly - she should mean nothing to me - her life has no bearing on my own, won't and shouldn't be compared to it....Look at yourself and what you think of yourself - this is the only thing that matters....stop desire other people so much.....desire them if they are people that are going to open up to you, and be honest or stimulate you in some way, but if they aren't going to....they are dirt to you....and if they start to interact with you and then don't...who cares life changes you keep moving on they are next to dirt to you because they don't have the quality of being someone who is interested in the same type of exploration as you.....you need to be on solid footing and happy with yourself and your aloneness.....you walk down the street and nothing anyone says or thinks about you matters.....If you want to get to know someone you are in control of that, and you make the effort - if they deny your request SO BE IT...there are 6+ billion people on the planet and none of them are really all that special. and even if some are...you can live a full and happy and productive life within your own mind, as your only judge.

Nothing done can be taboo, since the only judge in life is you.

Imagine a world were everyone hates you or thinks of you as a total loser and square and laughs at you and how pathetic and lame you are......then imagine yourself in this world being totally content and happy and living a wonderfully contemplative and joyful life, full of self-overcoming and passionate experience -- existing completely within your own mind and body, needing no-one for anything.

Starting from this perspective you can build outward to include relationships that are beneficial to yourself.

Lyric

You say School is for a Fool, Books are for Crooks, Joiny this army and get some looks.
But you punks are skunks, Your smell is hell, pollute this child, ill polute your well
So kid, speak your speech, mind your mind, watch ur friends, or you'll go blind

Individual Stength

Learn to love the unbelievable and incomparable strength of living within your own mind, for your own desires, for your own purpose -- completely detached from the acceptance and approval of others....un-influenced by the opinions of any individual people. Over 6 billion people on the planet no one person means shit unless you make them mean shit and even then you must really really really look at whether it is worth it and weigh the cost of giving up this unbelievable strength

What is Wrong with me

so i let this guy a few computers over and behind me borrow a pen since he came over and asked for one. Now i am worrying about wanting to leave, and whether i should wait until he returns my pen or not. It's so stupid why can't i just do what i want, why shoudl i care about him at all. I have been programmed to do what i think is the "nice" or right thing to do. Sometimes thoguh, like this case I think it is rooted in a strong inclination towards cowardness and not wanting to confront people (have to ask for my pen back) - I only justify it by saying i want to be nice to him, or i really don't mind not having my pen. I guess this isnt terrible, but the problem is I SO EASILY JUSTIFY AWAY ALL MY HAPPINESS, I don't value my own happiness enough, I am willing to try or self-deny myself way to easily. I have to know what i want, do what i want, not do harm unto others, and take control of my life.

I will never act on, or desire, the approval of another.

I can't get strength, value, importance, and meaning from what other people think of me. You have to stand firmly on your own two feet to the point where no one can hurt you past a certain point. I have to be OK for instance if alot of my close friends and ex-girlfriend thinks that I am a loser or that i am mean, or finds me repulsive and unattractive. It is unattractive to live in the world of other's opinions. You have to always follow yourself. What do you want? What do you really want? (and this means constantly being away of what are valid wants -- having other people say nice things of you or approve of you is not a valid want -- EVER, it has no instrinsic value). There maybe certain desires that necessarily involve others approving of you, but this is secondary to the desire since no-one is that special or uniquely satisfying -- if that person doesn't want to fulfill that desire, so what, there are others that will. Even if there is no-one that will, you shoudl never NEVER NEVER stoop to the point of changing your desire or behavior to get them to approve or fulfill that desire. You should be yourself entirely and go after only your own desires entirely even if it means that you will die alone and always be alone (even though i know that that is just simply not the case - especially with the internet and interconnectedness of the 6+ billion people on the planet.

Shut the Fuck Up

You are in a library computer lab which is almost completely silent except for some respectfully quiet whispers, yet you decide you should call your friend on your cell phone and talk at an unreasonably loud level. Shut the Fuck Up.

I fail to understand the inconsiderate mindset of people like this. Do they not feel embarrased that everyone in the football field sized room can hear them? or do they not feel just inherently bad about disrupting all the other people who are trying to study?

I had this similar problem before in the SILENT reading room at this library (There are general study rooms, quiet study rooms (just low whispers - cell phones on vibrate) and then there are silent reading rooms (with signs posted that say cell phones are to be on silent or off and there is NO talking or whispering)). Anyways there are usually people who are just being noisy but it is just because of colds or they are moving papers around and the like. But on more than one occasion have i heard every word of a whispering conversation in there and on more than one occasion was someone just sitting there for over an hour texting back and forth with someone with there phone vibrating against the desk every other minute when they would get a text back.

I guess my problem is that i don't know how to address it. I am almost always not the only one present when this inconsiderate misanthropy takes place and no-one else seems to even be thinking about doing anything. I get the feeling that i would be unreasonable, a jerk, a square, or just mean if i would say something - and what would i say anyways? I guess it is a situation though that if i know i am in the right i have to be brave and stick up for my right for a quiet place to study and if people get mad at me or view me as some sort of noise nazi then too bad - I shouldn't value the opinion of those people anyways. Alright so she has gotten off the phone and now is talking with her sorostitute friend at the computer next to her. Ear plugs aren't an option because I need to have my headphones on to listen for the occasional pronounciation of a GRE word - but i will look at the positive - i will be building up my ability to focus.

Update - three students just left in annoyance presumable because of their vacinity to the loud-talking, disrespectful, degenerates.